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Sophomore Yearbook Interviews Begin at 11:55 Pretty clear sign, right? Consuelo Nunez, a.k.a. Rot thought so. And so did all the other new Claremont Academy students waiting the hallway – a few of them intent on making their mark in the official school publication, but most of them just with nothing better to do, and not wanting to admit it. But, as the minutes ticked by, more and more of the students seemed to suddenly in fact figure out that their must be something better to do. It just didn’t seem like a good idea to wait in line with this ragged-looking girl with the crazy long green dreadlocks. So, by 11:57, when the yearbook staff came to unlock the room, Consuelo was the only one left. “Huh, that’s weird. Usually, a lot more people show up to get interviewed. You, uh, don’t mind answering all twenty questions do you . . .?” “It’s, um, ‘Rot’.” By the day, Consuelo was getting more self-conscious and unsure about her decision to go by her superhero name at school. This is a nice surprise. This girl is standing right next to me, but she’s not freaking out. I wonder what the difference is. “Okay, I’m Sara. Do you mind if my robot Ciri sits in? I’m testing some new social observation algorithms in her program.” “Uh, sure.” The pale journalist known as ‘Sara’ taps a few things on her watch, and a sleek, pale-blue humanoid robot is teleported into the classroom. “Great. If you could just sit down here, we can begin.” “Uh, actually, I prefer to stand.” “Suit yourself” Removing her high-tech watch, Sara sets it on the desk, to better position the microphone. “So, what is your most listened to song so far this year?” “Um, I’ve kind of been listening to Vegas a lot, for some reason.” “Okay, which school tradition are you most proud of?” “Uh, I don’t really, like, know the school traditions. I never really thought I would go here. But, I like the part about it being a school for kids with super-powers, I guess. Because that’s how I got in here, and it’s better than where I was before. Um, hey, can I ask you a question?” Sara looks down at her watch on the desk. “If you’re quick.” But then smiles like she was just messing with Rot. “Ha! Okay. So, like, I have this thing with my powers where people get, like angry with me just by standing close to me. But you seem to not be affected . . . any guess why?” “Oh, well that’s obvious. It’s my superior mental abilities. Okay, so, next question. Would students be more productive if cell phones were banned during school hours?” Was that a small eye roll from Sara? “Um, yeah, like I was saying, when people are physically close to me, they get, like automatically really upset with me. So, online is like about the only place I can interact with people kind of normally. I have to use like, voice activation for basically everything, because, when I swipe too much, my phone ends up disintegrating pretty fast. But even so, online communication is like this big refuge for me. So not having access to my phone all day would really suck.” “Oh yeah, that makes sense. So . . . what’s your favorite school lunch?” “Wow, you’ve got some hard-hitting questions there, Sara. This may be controversial, but I’d have to say: anything with tater-tots. They're best when they’re crispy, but . . . I know people think they’re kind of gross when they’re under-cooked and slimy, but I kind of like them that way too.” “You disgust me.” Consuelo blanches. “Oh god, I’m just kidding, sorry. Just joking about the tater-tots. Anyway, next question: should our school keep the vending machines?” “Um, like, I guess, if people like them. I never use them, because I’m afraid I might accidentally disintegrate the touch screen or the dispenser slot or something. I totally did that at an old school. Actually, I had bought some . . . Skittles, I think? But the bag didn’t fall out of those like screw-ring things that turn around to let the candy out, you know? So I was, like, just trying to shake it a little bit, you know, to get the Skittles to drop. But I must have been a little upset or something because the whole front glass disintegrated, and I went crashing into like, all of the items stored inside. And everything just went spilling out all over the floor!” As Consuelo swings her arms wide to pantomime the trajectory of multiple snack items, the back of her hand lightly brushes Sara’s high-tech watch on the desk, just nudging it off the edge. Oh crap! As Consuelo lunged to save the piece of tech from falling, her hand brushed Sara’s, also doing the same. “Ow!!” Sara withdrew her hand, shook it, and looked at it. “You burned me!” Consuelo looked at Sara’s hand in a panic, but it didn’t look damaged at all. The effects of her powers on flesh were typically anything but subtle, yet Sara’s hand appeared unblemished. “Uh, it doesn’t look burned . . .” “I can feel it. Oh my god. You freak! Oh my god! What the hell? I need to see the nurse!” Sara gets up and runs out of the room, looking intently at her perfectly fine hand. Consuelo is left alone in the room in more-or-less stunned silence. Well, not truly alone. “Excuse me,” a pleasant, synthesized voice issues from the up-to-now silent robot against the wall. “Would it be permissible for me to continue the interview, in my creator’s absence? This activity would conform to my social observation programming testing protocol.” “Sure, knock yourself out, Ciri.” “Figure of speech interpreted as affirmative. Compiling interview questions now. Compilation complete. Re-commencing interview. Next interview prompt: Tell me about yourself?” “Uh, okay. I’m, like, a girl that has super-powers that let me disintegrate things. That’s, like, a really broad question, Ciri.” “Noted. Next prompt: What critical feedback do you most often receive?” “These don’t seem like normal yearbook-type questions. . .. I guess people are often critical when I accidentally disintegrate things. But maybe I get negative feedback even more when I don’t disintegrate things, but people react negatively to me just because they get too close, like what just happened with Sara. My mom says I’m irresponsible a lot. But that’s like a joke, coming from her. Um . . . maybe, um maybe let’s not put that last part in there, okay, Ciri?” “Tell me about a time you overcame an obstacle.” “Uh, hmm, let’s see. For a while I was getting in trouble at school at lot, well, I mean getting in trouble specifically for the same reason a lot, because my disintegration powers were getting stronger and I was like, too young to realize how often I had to put on new clothes to not, like run out of having clothes on. So, like I begged my mom to let me buy like as many clothes as I could at the thrift store, and then carry around extra clothes to school. So, I think that counts. Now, my sponsor – and I don’t really know who that is – gets me these super suits that don’t disintegrate, as long as I’m wearing something else over them. Oh yeah, and now I sleep on metal sheets, so that I don’t ruin the floor overnight. Although I guess that was one of my mom’s boyfriends that figured that out. Does that still count?” “How do you handle stress?” ‘Uh, well, for me, a lot of stress comes from being around other people. Because everything is always so complicated. So I will like, seek isolation when I’m really down. But then, I can get lonely too, so I’ll try to hang out with people. But that never seems to go so great. So I guess I blow off stress by saying mean little things to people sometimes. Or by, like, destroying things that aren’t that important. Dang. That sounds pretty bad, I guess.” “What have been your most positive and negative management experiences?” “What? I’m, like too young for this question. Most positive management experiences? I don’t know. I don’t have, like, a lot of good experiences with institutions, you know? I guess probably this school is the best experience, since it’s geared toward people with super-powers. So, I think it’s able to handle, like, more variety in its students. I’ve definitely gotten in trouble at school a lot. And with the law a little bit too, even. Probably pretty lucky I didn’t end up in Juvie. Kind of a miracle, really.” “Why are you leaving your current position?” “My current position? Well, my mom hasn’t held a job down for very long for a while now. And, I know I’m not a cheap kid, with all the stuff I break. It’s not like she’s that great at dealing with life anyway, but I think I give her a lot more stress. Also, there was this deal that this other robot made for me after some . . . trouble happened, that makes it so I have to go to school here. Hey, do you know a robot named RoboLawyer3000? I’d kind of like to see him again.” “I am aware of no such other robot. Next question: How many pennies, if stacked on top of each other, would equal the height of the Empire State Building?” “What? I don’t know. Like, a lot?” “Why do you want to work here?” “Who said I want to work here? Do you mean, like, with the yearbook or something? It’s like, I want to go to this school. I am going to this school. This is like actually better than a dream come true. Like, if I could actually be a super-hero, I could actually finally make sense, you know? Like everything I do, everywhere I go, I just get resented and I just ruin stuff. It’s like, a lot to deal with. For everyone. But like, for me most of all. But if I could be a super-hero, like for real for real, then instead of just being a problem, my powers could actually do something good. And I might actually be appreciated. Because really, I’m pretty awesome. I just have to, you know, always remind myself of that. Because I don’t hear it too much from other people.” “Why might we hire you?” Consuelo looks Ciri a long time like the robot might be insane. In reality, of course, Ciri was neither sane nor insane, but merely an automated device. But to Consuelo, the robot seemed insane. “What are you talking about, Ciri? Hire me for what? Does Sara have a secret lab somewhere where she is doing nefarious deeds? Is she a budding young supervillain in search of a little low-cost, super-human muscle?” Hmm. Would that actually be that bad? No. Stay focused Suelo. Eyes on the prize. “You’re weird, Ciri.” And the as-of-yet-walking-the-straight-and-narrow young super-human crosses her arms in suspicion. “Do you have any regrets so far in your professional career?” “My what? Oh, wait a minute, do you know about the . . . guns thing? Yeah, that didn’t go over exactly as planned. I mean, there were some good things too. I learned that I’m pretty good at, um, scaring people into talking. I know that sounds bad, but like, I think it can be good to, like in the right circumstances. Also, I found out that getting shot by a machinegun doesn’t hurt me. That was insane. But yeah, I don’t think I really thought about the legal ramifications for me or any of my, uh, clients? Are superheroes enemies called clients? That doesn’t sound quite right. . ..” “What’s your greatest achievement?” “Um, huh. Hmm. Well, uh, my costume is pretty cool, right? I mean my super suit, the one that doesn’t disintegrate, it’s lust like a normal black body suit, but, like, when I accessorize it with this cropped leather jacket and these tactical pouches, it looks badass, right? And with the green dreads, it’s like, one slick package. All the other super-heroes are jealous. I know it. They’re just playing like they’re above me. But really, their jealous.” “Um, hey, Ciri, I think maybe you’re like reading from the wrong list of questions. Like maybe from a list of questions you ask someone that is interviewing for like a job in an office or something? Maybe you should, like, check that?” “Feedback acknowledged. Recompiling questions list. Compilation complete. Re-commencing interview. Who do you love more, your parents, your spouse, or your dog?” “Wow. I take that back. That last list wasn’t so bad after all. So first, I’m sixteen, and I’m in America. I don’t have a spouse. I don’t think I could have a spouse, because they would hate me, and I might accidentally disintegrate them.” Consuelo is quiet for a little bit. “So, my dad left when I was six. Like, years before I even got my powers! He was a jerk, and I’m glad he’s gone. My mom drives me crazy more than any other person in the world. She like hides in her pills and booze. It just wears me out. And no dogs. For the same reason as the spouse.” “Next question. My friend’s son wants to drop out of high school and learn car repair. I told her to send him over. What advice do you think I gave him?” “Ciri, I think maybe, like, you’re on pills too? Where did you even get that question? I mean, I guess maybe you told him to like, save his money and try to avoid expensive habits, or something like that.” “Final question: I can’t figure out how to grows my business. Got any ideas?” “What the actual hell, Ciri? Maybe you should try to build a buzz on social media. Actually, you know, that’s not that bad an idea. Maybe I should do that for my hero work? But I have trouble with computers and phones, because of the whole disintegration thing. Hmm. Maybe I can team up with someone that is good at social media but could use my skills of . . . destroying things and scaring people. Yeah. The idea still needs work, I admit.” “Thank you for your responses. That concludes this interview.” And with that, Ciri methodically, unhurriedly picked up Sara’s watch and teleported away. “Um, good. Okay.” You know, I think I like robots. They’re consistent. Rot yawns and looks around. She looks down and sees a subtle depression in the floor where she had been standing for the last twenty minutes. “Oh crap!” Forgot to hover! Time to go. . ..

Today for Private Eye monthly we are interviewing Mike White, local gumshoe and veteran of the mean streets of Bedlam. It is a priviledge to have you here today and we have a bunch of questions for you. Why did you want to become a private investigator? It was something I had always dreamed about since I was a kid. Most kids dreamed of being the next Rocky Marciano, the Capo di Capo or chief of police. Not me, comics made me yearn for a life of excitement, solving crimes and getting all the dames. How's that going for you? Has it been what you expected? Yes and no, there has certainly been danger. No one ever tells you about the times someone sticks a gun in your face or a couple a gorillas decide you been askin' too many questions and you think that maybe you have run out of luck. What about the dames? Is there a Mrs White? (Mike laughs) There mighta been a dame or two but this life isn't great for relationships. Your partner never knows when that 3am phone call is gonna happen. There's no guaranteed paycheck, the hours can be murder, and it can be hard explaining that you needed to go to a bar for 3 hours to speak to witnesses who might be hookers and strippers. Who knows though, right? Maybe someone who will come along who can understand the life. You talk about how tough Bedlam is, even though you have been here 15 years as a private eye. What is the secret of your success? That's a pretty tricky one to answer. I guess I try to never go into a situation unprepared. In this game knowledge is king. Here we got a lot of puppets and not so many puppet masters. You gotta know the puppet masters and know whose back to scratch. You can't outfight every gangster in town. You gotta know how to talk to people. You also gotta look after the people who are looking after you. Your informants gotta know you will move heaven and earth to protect them. I guess the last one is trust your instincts. Have you ever had to shoot someone? Nope. When I was a cop I saw how many lives got ruined by guns. Besides, you can't arrest a corpse, can you. Also, vendettas still happen. Doesn't that put you at a disadvantage? Not really. You see if you can pull a gun before I knock your face out the back of your head. I don't need to worry so much about hurting innocent bystanders neither. Nowadays, there are new criminals. Some of these guys are bulletproof or can shoot laser beams out of their eyes? How do you deal with them? Politely. Seriously though, same way as anybody else. Gather information. Find out who is pulling their strings. Why did you leave the police force? Geez, you been doing a little research yourself. Bedlam cops are doing a thankless job in a dirty city. I have huge respect for them. I guess I just wanted to not be at the beck and call of anybody. Although this life can be tough I can choose my own clients and which cases to do. I can choose my own hours too. I am doing what I love. Do you think there is still a place for private detectives when you got guys like the Mystik and Hammer of Justice dealing with criminals? More than ever. Those guys might be great at stopping those eye laser beam guys but they don't know nothing about helping that little old lady down the street get back her wedding ring that was burgled from her place or help someone find out whether they have been catfished or not. I don't think it is in their job description. Here's a million dollar question for you. How would you solve the problem of crime in Bedlam? I guess you need to change the conditions that lead to crime. Poverty. This is largely caused by corruption. You gotta persuade the puppetmasters that there will be direct, personal consequences for them if they remain in Bedlam. This stuff though is way above my pay grade. So you've never been tempted to put on a cape? Are you crazy, and look like a kook. Nah, give me a decent pair of trousers and a nice shirt. Them other weirdos can wear the silly costumes. You look like a pretty fit guy. How do you keep in shape? I'm pretty old-fashioned. I go to a boxing gym 3 or more times a week. What do you do when you aren't working? When my bank manager gives me time off ya mean. It seems like every day someone else in the family is getting married or having a birthday or their first communion or something. If that ain't happening I enjoy going out at night. There's a few good poolbars still around. Failing that I look a good book now and then. How would you describe yourself? I'm just another good italian guy. I am 5'10. I am in pretty good shape and I still got all my own teeth. Maybe I take my job too seriously but when I set my mind on something I usually get it done. I like to dress nice and look professional. I don't drink too much and I don't smoke. When I get excited or I'm around family my accent comes back stronger and I use my hands more when I speak. What things are most important to you in your life? Hmmm... Self-respect, family, God, America and it's ideals, justice and independence. Do you have any deep dark secrets you want to share? Nope. Was there anyone who inspired you growing up? Yeah, my uncle Joe. He was an old-fashioned cop who was tough and would give you a beating if he thought you was getting yourself in trouble. He probably kept me out of jail or worse. Do you have any regrets and would you have done anything differently? Yeah, I got a few. There were a few times that maybe I made the wrong choices or did deals I shouldn't have. There was a time when I asked the wrong person for help only to be let down. What legacy would you like to leave? I ain't dead yet (laughing). I guess I would like people to know that you don't need to change the world to make people's lives better but by making people's lives better you can change the world. I would like people to think of me as someone who worked hard helping other people. What would you say to people who wanted to be like you and follow in your footsteps? For crissakes, don't try and be someone else, especially me. Be the best you that you can be. As for being a detective, this is not a life for everyone. Go be a software developer or surgeon or something that will actually make decent money. Thank you Mike for your time and your insights into the life of a private detective.

--20 questions-- "Hi, this is Voyeur — on the scene and looking clean — here to educate and elaborate on all things superhero." "As most of you who watch my feed already know, the city has a new hero on the street. He showed up a few weeks ago with some rabbit-like refugees from another world in tow. These refugees have been given asylum and are quickly turning into something of a tourist attraction. Borough-made handicrafts are selling like hotcakes — if hotcakes were worth thousands of dollars on Etsy and Ebay!" "But that's not why were coming to you live right now. I have here the new hero, and he's agreed to speak with your Voyeur. Let's give him the Twenty, shall we?" [The camera focuses on the new hero. He is of moderate height, with a smooth, bald pate and a van dyke beard. Expensive-looking blast goggles with red lenses completely obscure his eyes. He wears a white lab coat with indecipherable writing sewn along the edges, and oversized black gloves.] 1. So what do we call you? Well, my given name is Edward Peck... but I understand that it's traditional for champions of this world to take unique monikers that can refer to their power source, their appearance, or even simply an etymological similarity to their name. I have chosen Professor Peculiar, for reasons I consider obvious. 2. Woah, you don't mind sharing your real name? We're live, you know. It doesn't matter greatly. You're unlikely to find me among your clever networked machines, as I am from, ah, elsewhere. 3. So where are you from, then? I am from another dimension, much like this one in many ways but very different in others. On my Earth, for example, we developed the science of Arcana, where your people focused on the science of Physics. To us, magic was simply how things were done, and these clever machines your people developed never happened. There I was a respected scientist, but our science is your magic. 4. What brought you here? I lead the Borough-folk here from their world... I sought a world where they would fit in, or at least be accepted. Your people seem to have an almost instinctual affection for the Borough-folk, due to their strong physical similarity to "rabbits". Another reason I love this world... your candy! [Peculiar grins at this point and takes a lollipop from his coat pocket, unwraps it, and sticks it into his mouth. It's an incongruous sight, as he looks like a stereotypical mad scientist but with a lollipop stick jutting from his lips.] 5. Our candy? Don't you have candy where you're from? Oh certainly... but one would have to go to certain disreputable parts of town to acquire it, and the expense! It's an illicit activity, you see, and viewed as deviant behavior. Yet on your world it's seen as completely innocent. You even allow CHILDREN to eat it! I love it here! 6. So how would you describe yourself? Are you a hero? I am a man of science, first and foremost. I study our multiverse to better understand our place within it. Yet sometimes one cannot simply observe, and must take a hand. When you see the weak suffering under the boot heel of an oppressor, or a child crying due to a lack of food, who could stand back and do nothing? It doesn't take heroism to do these things, it just takes a conscience. 7. What would you say is your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness? That sounds like two questions in one, Rich. However, I must say my greatest strength is my unwillingness to give up. You'd be amazed at what you can achieve if you're unwilling to settle for anything but success. As for my greatest weakness? Ah... [Peculiar purses his lips a moment] ... my unwillingness to give up. I could have saved so many more people if I'd accepted that I couldn't save them all. 8. What do you love? What do you hate? I love a well-made crossword puzzle. I love the feeling you get when you change someone, not with force but with logic. I love seeing the world become a better place than it was. What do I hate? [Peculiar chuckles] I hate black licorice. 9. What is your greatest ambition? I think I would like to understand. Yes. I would like to understand everything. That's not too much to ask, is it? 10. Do you have any prejudices? How do you get along with others? I try not to judge anyone before I understand them... but of course, that's the trick, isn't it? Can you ever really understand anyone? No no no, you can't judge people, really, but you can judge ACTIONS. As for getting along with others... entirely overrated in my opinion. 11. Where do your loyalties lie? In what order? Oh, I'm not a fan of allegiances. All that swearing oaths and solemn vows. That just gets you stuck into rigid thinking, it does. No, I'd rather just do what's right and damn the flags and songs and whatnot. 12. Do you have a family? What's the relationship there like? I have a family, I do. Not that I've seen any of them in a good many years. I imagine they're all doing quite well for themselves. We're an intellectual lot, my family. Writers, philosophers, teachers, even a space explorer or two, though I think I've got that lot beat by now. I was the only one to go into pure science, though. We used to stay in touch, back before I left home. The occasional letter, how are you, that sort of thing. We even suffered through the dreaded family gathering, though rarely. Mother never saw the need, really, and Father couldn't be dragged away from his workbench. Always a competition, it was, to see who had achieved the most. 13. Why did you leave your home world? Not enough candy? Hah. No, it was more serious than that. I... ah... I dabbled in forbidden science. More than dabbled, really, I explored it, mapped it out, planted flags, built a summer home in forbidden science. You see, my home world developed dimensional science around the same time your clever tinkerers invented the telegraph. We thought we were so clever. We learned to open doors to other universes, never considering the dangers. We sent out flares into the night of the cosmos, inviting others to come visit. Come they did. Our world was nearly destroyed in two massive wars that reshaped the continents. We only just survived. Naturally, all research into dimensional science was outlawed. Treaties were signed, oaths were sworn. The barrier between our world and the rest was strengthened, to prevent further incursions. My people feared the Great Beyond, and had firmly shut the door. Then I came along and decided I knew better, didn't I? I wasn't even alive during the horrors of the dimensional wars, though I'd read about them well enough. They were so terrified of life from other dimensions, so convinced that everyone else out there was pure evil, I just knew it couldn't be true. When I published my research, I showed them that I had made contact with GOOD people out there... that there were entire worlds that had never known any sort of war, that lacked a word for it in their language! No one listened. I was set to be imprisoned for life, forbidden to practice science, my portals sealed forever. [Peculiar pauses, apparently lost in thought] 14. So what happened? HAH! That's a separate question! You thought I'd forgotten that two-fer you snuck in earlier, didn't ya? I escaped, of course. They hadn't studied dimensional science, remember? They had no way to stop me. I left and, well... I haven't been back since. 15. Alright, Professor. Let's switch to a different subject, though I suspect I already know the answer. How spiritual are you? Do you follow any religious practices? Am I spiritual? I'd say so, yeah. I've seen a lot in my travels through the dimensions, and one thing I've come to understand is that the religions? THEY'RE ALL TRUE. 16. All of them? Even the ones that directly contradict each other? Especially those. I don't understand. I don't think we're meant to. 17. I'm not counting that last one as a question, Professor. Tell me what you fear the most. I'm afraid we'll never reach the end of these question, Rich. I'm waiting for a serious answer. Very well. My biggest fear... I'm afraid that the hateful bastard with a speech impediment that nearly wiped out the Borough-folk may find out he didn't quite get them all. 18. You mean some extra-dimensional warlord might come to our world to finish off what he started? It's a remote possibility. Very, exceedingly remote. I doubt it. Unlikely. Probably not. 50/50 chance at best. That's the other reason I've settled here. To keep an eye on the people whose world I failed to save. One of the reasons I chose this world is because it has so many wondrous defenders. If he ever comes here, I won't be standing alone to stop him. 19. That's disturbing. Have you chosen a team to stand beside you when/if that time comes? Not yet. As you know, I'm still new here and I'm still learning who the other heroes are and what groups they have already formed. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. 20. Ok, last question Professor: Are you married, or have some kind of life partner? [Peculiar grows quiet for a moment] Professor? "No more questions. We're done."