Coming Out

[Amelia]

Those of you in threads with me may have noticed that I’ve been distracted lately. School has been part of it, and I’ve been happy to let that be the whole excuse, but it’s not just school. I’ve been sorting through some personal issues in the background, issues I wasn’t ready to be open about yet. I’m probably still not ready now, but I got this out in the open on social media, and I want to get it out in the open here, too. I spend too much time here not to.

 

I’ve finally decided to stop lying about who I am, to myself and to others. I’ve decided to stop running away from it and talking myself out of it and repressing it. I’m trying to be less of a coward.

In other words, I’m coming out.

 

I’m trans.

I’ve always been trans. I’ve felt it since I was five years old.

 

I don’t identify as a cis het man. I never have.
 

I identify as a lesbian trans woman. I always have.

 

All the friends and family over the years who joked about me being “a lesbian in a man’s body” were, unbeknownst to them, literally 100% correct.

 

I got put in the Boy Box, and I stayed there to placate and appease the rest of the world, but I’ve never felt like I belonged in it, and now I’m stepping out of it.

 

I’ve followed a disproportionately high number of trans people on social media, BY SHEER COINCIDENCE OF COURSE, JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD ALLY, and when I see the progress they’ve made on their own transitions, I’m not just happy for them. I also feel an intense stew of envy, longing, and despair.

It took me a while to admit that cis people aren’t jealous of trans people. Other trans people are.

 

I’ve recently started undergoing hormone replacement therapy (thank you, Planned Parenthood), among other things.

 

Fun fact, when I finally came out to the spouse I’ve talked about so much over the years, they came out to me too, as non-binary. So we’re going through a lot of the same stuff at the same time. They changed their pronouns to they/them, and they’re seriously considering changing their name to something more androgynous.

 

I’m not changing my name, since I share it with one of the most iconic lesbian characters in the history of popular fiction. (Google “THE L WORD SHANE” if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

 

I am changing my pronouns. She/Her preferred.

 

I’m not going to complain if you screw up. I understand if it takes some getting used to. Some of you have known me for a long time. Old habits are hard to break.

I’m also still suffering from such an overwhelming case of impostor syndrome that I probably won’t argue with you if you do overtly refuse to accept my identity. Part of me definitely still thinks that all other trans people’s identities are valid, but that mine is a delusion that I have no right to expect other people to play along with, no matter how real it feels to me. But I imagine other people will call you out even though I won’t. And even if I don’t call you out on it, please know that being misgendered HURTS. (I guess for some people, that’s the point.) It always hurt, even back when I was pretending to be a guy, but it hurts so much worse now that I’ve started admitting it.

 

If any of you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’m more comfortable with answering them in the Discord than on here. You can ask in open chat or in a private message, whichever you prefer. I’m willing to answer any questions, no matter how ignorant or invasive they may be. In the meantime, also feel free to talk among yourselves. I’m “out”, so there’s no need to worry about who knows what.

 

[The Sailor]

Good for you! My personal identity is still a quest I'm chasing, but I'm glad your journey actually has a road.

[Heritage]

Hi Grumble. I missed this announcement earlier, and I apologize if I misgendered you in chat as a result. I'm very happy you're able to embrace this.

[Amelia]

4 hours ago, Heritage said:

I missed this announcement earlier, and I apologize if I misgendered you in chat as a result.

 

If you did, I didn't notice.