Hellblog

[Hellbound]

Awright you webhounds, I know you're going to want to keep tabs on Freedom City's number one super-guy, so here's where you can get the latest Hellbound news. I'll be posting regular updates as fun things happen to me and stuff gets broken around me. Bad guys are encouraged to read this so's they can start regretting some of the life choices they've made, and good guys can learn how to get the job done.

I might be new to this whole 'clobber the bad people' business seein' as how I'd make such a nasty one myself, but I guaran-fraggin-tee that even my goofs will be entertaining.

Seeya on the street, slacker. Hope you upped your insurace

[Hellbound]

As many of you probably know, I've been cleaning house at SuperSlams for a while now. Can't say it's been too tough doing that, though. Not a lot of talent in that dump. Most of the real bad-asses have moved up to the major leagues at Circuit Maximus or gone on to live the dream as an honest supervillain.

Meh. I'll stick around. At least until I get bored with the joint. Gives me a chance to stay limber and make enough dough to pay the rent. Don't think I'll ever be getting rich there, but baby to crowds get into me. I guess they don't get the chance to see real superstuds in action very often. I kinda get off on knowing that I can bring ray of sunshine into the gray little lives.

Been seeing this redheaded hottie in the crowds for the last few nights. Not sure when she first started showing up, but there's something weird about her. I don't know what it is, but man I'd love seeing those legs in a set of those spandex long-johns the capes are always wearing.

Or out of them, for that matter. If you know what I mean.

Whatever. Make sure you get it to SuperSlams any time I'm handing out a few minutes of pain to some loser. Step up to the windows and drop some cash on my name. Odds run like crap these days, guess I've been stomping skulls a bit too hard in the ring, but I promise you it'll be the easiest money you've seen all day, slick.

[Hellbound]

Nice. So that hottie I've been seeing at the matches finally caught up with me, and I have to say she's full of surprises. No, not the kind where you hear 'The Crying Game' music in the background, but but something even better. The kind of surprise that makes you think damn near everyone in this city is hiding superpowers underneath a nice rack and long legs.

'Gotta admit, she packs a mean wallop in those delicate hands of hers. Not so delicate that she couldn't throttle the life out of an I-Beam, though. One hell of a good grip on that girl, and she knows all the right places to grab a guy.

Not that way, you internet horndogs. Well, okay, she CAN grab a guy that way too, but that's not what I'm talking about. Red's got good balance, good reflexes and she's strong enough to flip a city bus over, so she's just a naturally impressive grappler. It's like wrestling with some atomic python, I swear. She managed to pin me more than twice, and most of those I didn't even have to fake. All of them were pretty fun, though. 'Gonna have to get her to pin me some more in the future if the babe sticks around.

There's a good chance of that, too. She wants some fighting lessons from the main-machismo, here. I suppose it's to back up a career as a cape since she really doesn't seem the type to want into SuperSlams. 'Have to admit, Red's just too classy for you freaks out there. I don't really see her sinking that level, but I've been wrong before. Maybe that's what she wants?

Don't matter. A girl like that? Man, whatever she wants, she gets. And if I get lucky, then maybe I'll get to give it to her again. The lessons, I mean. Jerks. I've started giving her a few pointers in the ring. Just some stuff to help with her techniques, maybe get her to the next level of kicking ass. We'll see how it goes.

We'll also see what else she might want out of your old pal Hellbound over here. I'll let you know, but don't expect me to take pictures for ya'.

[Hellbound]

Man, what a fragging day... and I mean that in the worst way possible. Sure, it started out fun with one hell of a good fight. 'Dude I was facing moved like an action star in his best scene and could stich a polar bear to death with that big spear of his, but the whole thing turned into a nightmare once we crashed the ice rink.

Who lets kids out when crap like this keeps happening in the city, anyway? I know it's our jobs to keep that drek from killing people, but it's gonna happen eventually. The worst part about it? I'm the one that did the killing. Not the fragger I was fighting, but me.

Well, okay, so it was my BLOOD that did it, but still... anit that a part of me? I'm pretty sure I should have been able to do something to keep the fear-fumes from throwing everyone into a panic.

I dunno. Maybe I'm feeling worse than I should since it was all caught on camera? I don't think I even made it home before that drek was all over the news. I wonder when I'll get to hear the last of it? Man, hope nobody sues me for that cluster-frag...

[Hellbound]

Aw, man. I have GOT to lay off the chile verde before my afternoon naps. Weirdest fragging dream I've ever had, and if I'm ever that polite again I want one of you to hunt me down and shoot me in the sack.

Seriously. That was not cool... but Moira did look pretty hot in that outfit.

[Hellbound]

No way! There I was, just minding my own business when I see a big fragging hole get blown out of the side of a cruise ship. Luckily, me and a few others were on hand to help out. If it hadn't been for us, I'm not sure how many people would'a gone down with that ship.

Weirdest thing about it, I guess, is how well I handled the water. Should have been freezing my balls off, but didn't bother me in the slightest. Biz-fragging-zarre. I wonder if that's a new trick I'm starting to pick up, and how often it'll come in handy?

[Hellbound]

'Couple new things for those of you who thought life was just getting too quiet around here. The first came out of a phone call I got from what's turning out to be a weird kind of friend. He brought me into a circle of heroes (some I've talked about already, others I hadn't ran into yet), that managed to be entertaining. Given what they lead me into, I sure as hell can't call them boring.

All in all it lead to some pretty wild times. Hopefully we can all keep it together long enough to make the magic happen again...

An' if I catch one of you fan boys giggling at what I just wrote I'll track you down and snap your pencil necks. That was like all poetical and sh't.

The other is just something I tripped across while wandering in your depraved misdts. Bunch of street level punks thought they could take out the city bad-boys (and girl...)? Try again, suckers. That wasn't your day and as long as I'm running around this dump it never will be.

[Hellbound]

So I got some nosey interviewer type asking me a bunch of questions. I don't know what bug got up his butt to start poking around my life, but I figured what the hey... I don't got nothing to hide. For those of you that want to read the answers I gave, you can find them here

That is, for those of you that can actually read. I know a lot of my Hellions out there just like to look at the pretty pictures on the internets, but I figure a couple of ya' might get around to digging through the damn thing.

[Hellbound]

Awright! All you fragging Hellions get your butts down to Morely's Friday, April 3rd. I'll be there singing for my supper and I know you won't want to miss seeing me up on stage. This is a MUST SEE for my fanclub, you dig?

[Hellbound]

Aw, man, fragging as all wicked hell! Went to see this squirrley little guy named Doc Ark or something like that. He ran some tests on me, checked out what makes me tick and ended up putting me into a pair a' hellishly cool wings. Look to the skies, my fragging Hellions! Your favorite super-dude is now a fragging flier!

[Hellbound]

Nice... took me a while to get the hang of the new wings, but I did eventually. Okay, so maybe I'm not perfect with them yet. I'm still better on the ground than in the air, but I think I'll be kicking ass pretty fragging soon.

Hey! But don't none of you Hellions try this at home. Remember, I'm Freedom City's number one super guy, right? I'm a trained professional. You aint.

[Hellbound]

As promised, here's a little more info on how I got those new wings. Had a nice little chat with one o' my new partners, Doc Ark, and learned a little more about myself in the process.

Just goes to show you little fraggers out there, a dude's never so badassed that he can't spend some time getting to know himself. And I don't mean locked in the bathroom with yer mom's Sears catalog, you pervs.

[Hellbound]

So I know you freaks have all heard the rumors about the FC's number one super guy getting in touch with his feminine side. I just want to put all the fragging talk and B.S. to rest. The main man is STILL the man-fragging-man, you got that? Anyone that says any different, just raise your damn hands and I'll show you what I'm packing if you don't believe me.

Oh, and if I catch one more inter-geek photoshopping my head onto some skirt's body again? We're gonna see just how far someone's head can fit up where the sun don't ever shine. You got me? Razzinfrazzin' messed up fan base....

[Hellbound]

You'll have to go a long, long way to convince me that Freedom City cops are anything more than pencil-pushing, paperwork administrators. All they ever seem good for is babysitting bad guys, filling out forms and writing down names after all the action is over and done with.

But at least I've started working with them, sort of. I mean, I've introduced myself outside of that skating rink mess and shown how much damage I can do. I guess they were pretty happy about getting Tony B. on some real charges. 'Just too bad he wasn't the one that pull the gun on me.

[Hellbound]

Yeah, that's right. The uber-badass... the main man... Freedom City's number one super guy bought himself a cat. Any of you Hellions got a problem with that? If ya' do, then ya' usually know where to find me. Come on down, we'll talk about it in person.

[Hellbound]

Zombiequins... yeah, zombiequins. I like the sound of that. You fraggers can use that if you want, but remember it's my term. I invented it and I fought 'em. It's my word, but it's a good word.

Zombiequins.

[Hellbound]

Well, now, whattya know. Looks like that new band I'm with actually has a name. Blackavar. Not sure what all's behind that, but they said something about some book that I probably won't ever read. Waterlogged Downs... something like that.

Who gives a frag. We rock. Watch for us, we're going to be playing near you somewhere an' if you don't come pay to watch us play, I'll do very bad things to you an' all that you love.

[Hellbound]

Huh. So the good news is that my body can apparently adapt itself automatically to any hazardous environment. That's pretty sweet, let me tell you what. I Tested the Waters myself for a while the other day, and lemme tell you... if you can figure out how to get your own body to do it? Well worth the fragging while.

[Hellbound]

Well, that settles it. Now we know that my blood even burns while under water. I suppose that makes sense. All it really needs is oxygen, and it's gonna carry that on its own. Or, at least that what I've always thought that's what blood was supposed to do.

Like I know anything about fragging hematology?