[April 2010 Vignette] Morning Jog

[Dr Archeville]

“Ah Dude! What the hell!?

Eli was convinced there were no sweeter words in the English language. He was never really much of a prankster, but this year, he had all the time in the world for set up; some might even say it was his duty to play as many pranks as he could, it was his calling. And Eli was more than happy to milk it for all it was worth. He knew full well that he was going to regret this course of action when the next April Fool’s rolled around and every last one of his friends ganged up on him for revenge. But that would have to wait, right now he had a much more important mission to attend to: holding his sides together and trying to wipe the tears from his eyes.

Eli had planned it all out so that, roughly speaking, one of his roommates would be pranked more or less every half hour. Eli’s personal favorite of the day was actually the very first one of the day. His actual roommate, as opposed to housemate, Derrick was one of those giant football players that was about as sharp as a bag of wet mice, and always went on about how macho he was.

This meant of course that Derrick was prime pickin’s for prankin’s. During the night, being the great friend that he was, Eli did laundry for poor Derrick here. However, fate interviened and Derrick’s underwear got mixed up with ladies underwear. Not the good kind neither, grannie panties. Now, while the idea of this little gem was pretty darn satisfying, in application it actually went a lot further than Eli even dared dream it would.

See, this all happened because Derrick always had to get up bright and early for practice, right? FYI, I’m told all of this later on in the day, didn’t sees any of this all first hand like. So anyways, Derrick here ain’t exactly running at full steam first thing in the morning right? So ya see, Derrick gets up way too early in the morning, goes and takes his morning shower right. He comes back in, still not banging on all cylinders apparently and he actually throws on a pair of these grannie panties.

Now, that mental image alone, while incredibly scarring, is well worth the price of admission. But, the story doesn’t end there, oh no. See after standing there for a minute or two in grannie panties, Derrick finally realizes that something’s a miss. He screams in surprise, and has quite a few profanities to go along with it. He hastily takes off the grannie panties. However, there is just one little problem with that course of action: Derrick’s roommate Paul.

So imagine you’re Derrick’s roommate. You’re trying to do your best sleeping through a bull in a china shop mulling around first thing in the morning. You ain’t got class for at least another 4 or 5 hours, so as soon as this yahoo wanders off to practice you can get some serious sleep. And then, for no reason at all, you’re already loud roommate starts screaming at the top of his lungs. So you’ve had enough by this point, you throw on the lights to tell this guy off and then bam; wedding tackle.

After a bit more screaming and averted eyes, Paul decides he ain’t gonna be able to get that image out of his head soon enough for him to get any decent sleep, so he throws on his shower shoes, only to find that he just squished some eggs with his feet. It’s about this time that dumb and dumber notice the sign on the door that says “Eil was here” Derrick having apparently missed it in the dark, and Paul not wanting to look around the room.

So now Eli was being chased around campus by a tall dorky guy with yolky shower shoes and a jock wearing grannie panties. Eli could outrun either of them without any effort, but staying just a bit out of reach was so much funnier. “Wait till you see what I did to the fridge!” Eli taunts over his shoulder.