Like a Greased Porcerine [IC]

[Cubist]

9:48PM, 26 December 2012

WIthin a few blocks of One-Tooth Reefer's

Jubatus didn't like the Fens; he thought the place stank. Literally. With his predator-keen nose, there was no neighborhood in Freedom City whose ambient aromas he actively enjoyed, just some places that didn't smell quite as bad as others. And the scent of the Fens was the worst of the lot.

Still, stench-filled or not, the Fens were part of Freedom City, so he patrolled it as often as he would any other region of the City with a comparable crime rate. Tonight, this meant cruising by a highly disreputable hole-in-the-wall bar named One-Tooth Reefer's, whose owner was a recovering pot-head with horrifically bad dentistry. One-Tooth's patrons pounded the crap out of each other more nights than otherwise; this was 'merely' one of the evenings on which drugs like Max were involved.

As he blurred along on his way to One-Tooth's, Jubatus noted something unusual in the air ahead of him:

A large, flying metal pig. That carried a passenger.

Who in Ford's name would bother to trick out a flying vehicle so it looks like a friggin' pig? Jube thought. Sure would be nice if the pilot was a peaceable sort, not that there's much chance of that. Okay, one more variable to worry about, damnit. And the feline zoomed forward, only to be caught in some sort of irresistable pull—

"Rrroww—" he snarled as the invisible force wrenched him off the ground, and deposited him on the flying pigbot! "—wrrl!!"

[Gingerbread]

It was always a good idea to familiarize yourself with a new place as much as possible. Freedom City was a pretty big city, and like most cities that meant there were a lot of things to see and do. Lulu had been flying over the city for little more than an hour now, no doubt making many citizens of the city wonder about the state of their mental health and maybe put a few law enforcement agencies on edge.

But now, she was ready to do some mingling with the locals and that meant finding a good place to mingle. She was passing over what was very obviously a bad part of town. She had a lot of experience hanging out in such places, so the general atmosphere, smells and all, did not stir any feelings of anxiety or disgust but rather ones of comfort and ease. She even thought she saw a few people fighting on the street up ahead.

The feelings of comfort and ease were immediately disrupted when some feline-like creature decided to join her on her sight-seeing ride. The hog jerked around a bit in the air, and Lulu tried to get a better look at it while trying to maintain control over her vehicle.

"What in all tardriftan?! This ain't no intergalactic cab vessel! Get offa my hog!" Lulu started to drive a bit erratically but resumed flying normally upon noticing her passenger did not have wings. Unwanted hitchhiker or no, she wasn't about to splatter someone else's head all over the asphalt. She narrowed her eyes and gripped at the driving reins. "Here, I'll make it easy for you!"

The hog took a sudden dive, causing a high-pitched, mechanical squeal to sound through the air. The legs hit the pavement of a parking lot and slowed to a stop just short of hitting a brick wall.

[Cubist]

It felt like something was gently massaging Jubatus' brain with fine-grained sandpaper. Definitely an irritating sensation, but it was ignorable, with effort. Now that he had a chance to think about it, that weird pull was a sensation he'd experienced somewhere before… Got it. Little Miss Steampunk's ride. Not precisely the same, but a real close family resemblance. And in both cases, then and now, it happened while I was upshifted. Raw coincidence? Unlikely. Preliminary hypothesis: Some sort of space-warp, interacting with my Timeshift? If so, that could be what's trying to weakly sandblast my medulla oblongata. See if downshifting makes it ease up. And the feline did just that. Ahhhh… The weaker the upshift, the weaker the irritation. But when he downshifted to the common tempo of 1, he was met with—

"What in all tardriftan?! This ain't no intergalactic cab vessel!"

Was the hogbot's pilot human? Her skin and hair (both in the bluish range of the color spectrum) suggested otherwise, but Jubatus knew very well that human beings could have non-human features. Either way—Oh, great. Either she doesn't know that her ride can suck things up in its wake, or she's an obnoxious jerkwad. At least she's talking English, so let's see if she's willing to listen.

"Get offa my hog!"

"I didn't choose to hitch a ride," the feline declared. "What's this thing run on—a spacewarp?"

"Here, I'll make it easy for you!"

At these words, the hogbot squealed; Jubatus winced as its sound lanced through his ears in a most uncomfortable way—Argh! Tune it out, just like you tune out screeching tires and 60-cycle hum and all the rest of it!—and then the unorthodox vehicle scraped itself to a halt—Tune! It! Out!!—against the surface of a parking lot.

The cheetah's usual method for coping with irritation involved upshifting to make himself some extra recovery time; thanks to the hogbot's presumed spacewarp, that wasn't an option here and now… Calm down, Jube. Keep a lid on it, no matter how bad she pisses you off. He carefully dismounted from the porcine vehicle, then tried (with only partial success) to keep his ire from showing in his face and ears and tail as he asked the pilot, "One more time, slowly: Does. This. Thing. Run. On. A. Spacewarp."

[Gingerbread]

Lulu dismounted from her hog, effectively causing it to poof from the area, and made no attempt to keep from looking pissed off. Just who did this guy think he was talking to her like she could hardly hear none? "Space-warp? It's a spacehog, ain't it? Of course, it's got a spacewarp. Spacewarp ain't got nothing to do with you hitching a ride on MY hog without MY permission!" Her eyes narrowed, and she took a couple of steps closer. "Unless whatever all you got in that dumb skull of yours is so mixed up that you're trying to tell me that my hog has one of them there abduction functions. In which case, you'd be better off presenting your posterior end to me now, so I can get it acquainted with my boot!"

She paced near the wall, clearly aggravated enough to be in rant-mode. "Next, you'll be trying to say my hog has one of them there probe things I've heard about. Just what kind of gal do you think I am?" She suddenly pointed a finger in his direction. "Way I see it, this is all your fault. You done jumped me out of nowhere and might have caused an accident something awful if I weren't so skilled at hog-riding. What were you thinking?" This was immediately followed by a swing from her left hand.

She was surprised when, instead of making contact with the feline, she swiped the air and the momentum carried her until gravity took affect. She hit the asphalt. "Ooof... you done got me so mad I can't even punch straight! I hope you're mighty pleased with yourself, you son-of-a..." She paused a moment and then stared up at him. There was something very familiar about this feline creature. Something...

Realization dawned all over her face,and she scrambled to her feet. The realization was followed shortly by horror and an apologetic look.

"By the grazing fields of the mighty hogs!" she gasped. She hit a palm against her forehead, a gesture which was probably a universal sign for 'How could I have been SO stupid?' "I thought you looked all familiar-like. I think I know what you were trying to do now. Aw, coddern! You probably remember me from that time I went around painting willy-wags all over them there big globe things on your planet. Ah, look, I, uh... I'm really sorry about that, but you don't gots to be mad anymore, I went back, and I scoured every last one of them globes all by myself. And I subjected myself to that whole One Thousand Marks of Shame ritual you all have."

Lulu started rubbing the side of her arm, and her gaze turned downward. "'Course, I'll understand if you're all honor-bound or what have you to mark me on account of my blaspheming travesty-type actions. Then again, after you jumped me like that I don't know why we can't just say we did and be all even."

[Cubist]

When its pilot disembarked, the pigbot vanished. Even took it's neuron-scratching spacewarp with it, thank Tesla! Jubatus noted with satisfaction.

"Space-warp? It's a spacehog, ain't it? Of course, it's got a spacewarp."

"Okay—"

"Spacewarp ain't got nothing to do with you hitching a ride on MY hog without MY permission!"

Let me talk, woman! "Yeah, but—"

"Unless whatever all you got in that dumb skull of yours is so mixed up that you're trying to tell me that my hog has one of them there abduction functions."

Sigh. Okay, she's on a roll. Wait until she runs out of steam, then try to talk sense into her friggin' skull.

"In which case, you'd be better off presenting your posterior end to me now, so I can get it acquainted with my boot! Next, you'll be trying to say my hog has one of them there probe things I've heard about. Just what kind of gal do you think I am?" She suddenly pointed a finger in his direction. "Way I see it, this is all your fault. You done jumped me out of nowhere and might have caused an accident something awful if I weren't so skilled at hog-riding. What were you thinking?" This was immediately followed by a swing from her left hand.

An instinct-triggered upshift—Damn! That's one serious punch she wants to unload on me. Not gonna happen, lady.—allowed Jubatus to fully sidestep this attack. Okay, try the talk-talk thing one more time. He downshifted, just in time to say "Now—" and see the pigbot's pilot fall awkwardly to the asphalt! And—no joy. Change of priorities: Forget the bar brawl, try to keep the Nutcase From Beyond the Solar System out of trouble until her synapse closes. So he waited for the flood of words to recede, only listening to its content with half an ear…

"… them there big globe things on your planet. Ah, look, I, uh... I'm really sorry about that, but you don't gots to be mad anymore, I went back, and I scoured every last one of them globes all by myself. And I subjected myself to that whole One Thousand Marks of Shame ritual you all have."

…wait. "on your planet"? There's a whole planet of things like me!? This body is an actual species, not just a bioengineered one-off!? As the bluish woman revealed more of her interactions with the culture she supposed Jubatus to be a part of, the feline decided talking might actually be worth trying.

"…after you jumped me like that, I don't know why we can't just say we did and be all even."

Or maybe not… where do I begin..? Eh, it's better than trying to pound her into submission. "Woman, you've got some serious misconceptions here. So let me talk, okay? First: I'm strictly local, and was born human. The fur and fangs and all the rest of it, they're aftermarket modifications, not factory-equipped. So I have no idea whatsoever what's the deal with those 'big globe things' and the 'Marks of Shame' you mentioned. Second: You say your 'hog doesn't have any built-in abduction features, I'll take your word for it—but this is the second time I've been dragged along in the wake of a continuum-warping vehicle, and that's twice too many for my taste. Any chance you'd be willing to help me learn how to avoid getting dragged along like that? Third: I'm Jubatus. Or you can call me Jay, if you like. What's your name?" And he gave a palms-up gesture which the woman would hopefully interpret as 'go ahead, you can talk now'.

[Gingerbread]

Lulu listened, her expression still apologetic, then confused, then thoughtful and maybe a little sheepish. "Aw, gee, looks like I made a mighty big fool of myself supposing things I shouldn't have been supposing. I guess I just get a little hog-crazy, sometimes." She flashed him a friendly smile. "My name's Lulu, and there ain't much else I like to be called. I don't rightly know what you mean about getting dragged along by spacewarp. I guess I ain't got no reason to believe you're lying. You don't know me, so you ain't got any motive to attack me unless you're meaner than a breeding bugaboo in broad daylight, which seems mighty unlikely after all that not trying to hit me back you done did. And you don't look the flying-type, so I don't reckon I'd know how you'd get on my hog without some planning on your part or something as crazy-sounding as what you just said."

She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall, still in thought mode. "If I can help, I'll sure as Sanderstinkton help. It just isn't natural to be going around getting sucked up in someone's spacewarp. Sounds like headaches all around."

[Cubist]

"Aw, gee, looks like I made a mighty big fool of myself supposing things I shouldn't have been supposing. I guess I just get a little hog-crazy, sometimes."

Oh, thank Athena and Dionysus—this woman's an idiot, yes, but not so idiotic that she can't see and acknowledge when she's wrong. "Not to worry. As a local saying goes, 'No harm, no foul'."

She flashed him a friendly smile. "My name's Lulu, and there ain't much else I like to be called. I don't rightly know…"

Jubatus wasn't sure why Lulu felt the need to work through her reasoning out loud, but since she was doing that, he listened intently to her monologue.

"…I'll sure as Sanderstinkton help. It just isn't natural to be going around getting sucked up in someone's spacewarp. Sounds like headaches all around."

"You don't know the half of it…" the cheetah replied. "Rrrright. Wherever your vehicle poofed away to, I'm going to assume you can bring it back at any moment. But before you do that, I'd like a crash course in Spacehog Safety: what's normal operating conditions for the machine, how can a pilot or passenger tell when the spacewarp is getting dangerously unbalanced, everything about safe usage. After that's done, then we can start teaching me how not to get sucked up in spacewarps. Okay?"